In a vain attempt to entertain the children during the Easter Holidays and draw them away from Youtube and Easter eggs for an hour, we decided to take them to Laser Planet.
Laser planet (or Quasar as it was called in my day), conjured up images of a plethora of ‘ADHD infested’ brats with their ‘council’ mums in tow, running around a dark room to hide the fact that they have no teeth….. We weren’t wrong.
With this in mind, we donned our Vivienne Westwood shirts and Christian LaCroix pumps and rocked up in the Landrover. We’d booked ahead and arrived in time to be split into two teams, red and green. There were a mixture of children and adults, ages ranging from 4 to… (how old am I again?).
My husband and I were on the green team, we were the only adults in the green team, so armed with the phaser..we took ‘Benefits Britain’ head on, in a fight to reign supreme. We deployed a tactical strategy, I would take out Chantelle, the ‘pasty eating, legging wearing’ bloater and he would covertly destroy ‘Juanita’ , the pink velour ‘tracksuit -wearing’ fiend (with one tooth…hence the name).
Chantelle was easy pickings…carrying 6 stone she didn’t want, she wasn’t very agile on her feet and struggled to get round corners without wedging herself against the walls. I did lose her for a few minutes when somebody shouted ‘Gregg!’, she must have thought they said ‘Greggs’ and dive bombed for a sausage roll.
Juanita’s choice of clothing was detrimental to her performance as the pink velour made her look like as psychedelic as an extra in a ‘Frankie goes to Hollywood’ music video. Alas when she stacked it into basecamp, nearly knocking out her last tooth…it was more like ‘Juanita goes to hospital’.
Without breaking into a sweat, we completely annihilated the opposition, taking out a few ankle- biting, kids in the process and the green team won the game. We made haste to the exit, eager to remove the stench from our clothes.
Chantelle was sweating like a blind lesbian at Billingsgate Fish Market, while Juanita gathered her 17 kids together and they sat down to their meal of Turkey Twizzlers and chips.
We walked out without a hair out of place and they all stared at us as we walked to Prezzo’s for brunch.