Funny British Quotes

There is no greater form of wit than British humour, this post is dedicated to some of the greats who just so happen to have said some quite funny stuff in their time. Only a true Brit will understand the humour in some of these quotes, so if you are reading from outside the UK and don’t understand, feel free to ask questions and I will attempt to explain.

  1. London is the Financial Capital, Wigan is the Pie capital. – Sue Nelson
  2. I don’t speak French, I don’t speak English…I am from Yorkshire. – Geoffrey Boycott
  3. The only possible way there would be an uprising in this country is if they banned Car-Boot sales and caravanning. – Victoria Wood
  4. East Angular- That’s abroad innit? – Jade Goody, Big Brother
  5. Did you hear Fred West’s house is up for sale? What a terrible place that would be to live….Gloucester.- Frank Skinner
  6. The word ‘gay’ in Newcastle means ‘owns a coat’.- Jimmy Carr
  7. People in the North die of ignorance and crisps. –Edwina Currie
  8. Environmentalists tell us every day that an area the size of Wales is destroyed. Why is it never Wales?- Jimmy Carr
  9. Why are  Union Jacks like Margaret Thatcher’s knickers? Because no power on earth can pull them down. – Spike Milligan
  10. He’s as doomed as a virgin on a first date with Rod Stewart. – Owen Newitt, The Vicar of Dibley
  11. I am an optimist, but I’m an optimist who carries a raincoat. – Harold Wilson
  12. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.- Bob Monkhouse
  13. They say that ‘sorry’ is the hardest word but they’re wrong. It’s that Welsh name of a railway station’. – Harry Secombe
  14. We had to put a stop to the presentation of Debutantes at Court. Every tart in London was getting in.- The Princess Margaret
  15. God must hate common people, because he made them so common. – Philip Wylie
  16. Builder’s bum is one of Britain’s great institutions. –Frank Douglas
  17. If there’s one thing I can’t stand its snobbism. People who pretend they’re superior make it so much harder for those of us who really are. – Hyacinth Bucket, Keeping Up Appearances
  18. I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.- Victoria Wood
  19. A woman who does a man’s work is just a lazy cow .- Jo Brand
  20. I could never be a feminist/lesbian as there is nothing more pleasurable than the sight of the bottom of  a washing basket on a washday.- Caroline Aherne
  21. We think they’re marvellous. And besides, if we didn’t have any here, we’d have to go self service.- The Queen Mother on Gays
  22. Most transvestites are just regular guys, who occasionally like to eat, drink and be Mary. – Joe Joseph
  23. I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body – A bit like Martina Navratilova. – Eddie Izzard
  24. You can get gay anything now: gay coffee, gay lager- it’s like straight lager, it just goes down much easier.- Graham Norton
  25. Why do girls fake orgasms? – Because they think we care. – Bob Geldoff
  26. Oh you are awful…but I like you. – Dick Emery
  27. The secret of marital happiness is simple: drink in different pubs to your other half.- Jilly Cooper
  28. A kid loses his mum in Tesco’s. The supervisor says, “What’s she like? The kid says “Big dicks and vodka.” – ANON
  29. John McCririck looks like Worzel Gummidge after an incident with a letter bomb. – Victor Lewis-Smith
  30. What about this fog? My pussy’s been gasping all night. – Mrs Slocombe, Are you being served?                             
  31. I can’t stand innuendo, If I see one in a script, I whip it out immediately.- Kenneth Williams
  32. Not ‘what’, ‘who’. Didn’t they learn you no grammar in school? – Hilda Ogden, Coronation StreetIf you like my blog, please get to know me better and visit my social media pages by clicking the links below

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13 thoughts on “Funny British Quotes

  1. Oh you are awful…but I like you. – Dick Emery LOL And I love, love, love Are You Being Served. You could probably get a whole post of witty things from the show

        1. When the Queen Mother was alive, she was notorious for being overly extravagant, her daughters The Queen and Princess Margaret used to tell her off for spending so much money. She had an army of gay butlers that waited on her hand and foot, and said without her gays, she would have to do things for herself. I guess you had to understand how extravagant she was to understand… she famously had her entertainment budget cut by the Queen because she ordered too much caviar.

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