In a last ditched attempt to shed a few pounds before the summer, I have submitted to joining a well known slimming club that meets every Wednesday in my local church hall. ….I only went because I thought there might be free bread and wine left over from Holy Communion.
If any of you have ever watched ‘Little Britain’ with Marjorie Dawes ‘body shaming’ a load of ‘out of work, lard-arsed Heffers, then this pretty much replicates one of those scenes.
To be fair…most of these (mostly) women obviously don’t get out much, and this is very much the highlight of their week. My husband and I ventured down to the grotty hall, that stank of ‘dust’ and old people and chuckled profusely at the profferings of the great ‘unwashed’ of Hemel Hempstead.
We were met by the group leader (hardly slimmer of the year herself) and taken into the Sunday School room where we sat on tiny children’s chairs. I think this was a ploy to see who would be the first the break one of the chairs and be branded a fatty….we still hadn’t paid at this point.
We went round and introduced ourselves, heads in shame, as we declared how many
pounds stones we had to lose to reach our target weight. Half way through the session an African lady walked in…didnt catch her name, but as soon as she realised that curried goat was off limits…she abruptly left…never to be seen again.
After we had signed up, weighed in and received our welcome packs, we joined the rest of the group, bought a ticket for the raffle…(only to find that the prize was a basket of old battered fruit and veg), and sat down for what can only be described as the most boring/funny hour of my life, We had to sit and listen to everyone’s success stories, or excuses why they hadn’t lost any weight …or put weight on. I had hoped that it didn’t go on too long, I had a Chinese takeaway on order.
Here are some of the characters we were subject to over the next hour:
The Serial Slimmer
This woman looked like Brigitte Nielson on smack…obviously an avid slimmer, who reached her target weight many years beforehand. Everytime someone mentioned anything about food, she interjected with phrases like; “Have you tried sprinkling Paprika on it”, and ‘Use Muller light instead of cream”. Seriously love….fuck off. What are you even doing here?…you are 6ft tall and weigh about a stone….go home and eat!
The one with every excuse
‘Well I only lost half a pound this week, because, well, right, I had an operation on my face, and Im taking steroids, and steroids are known to make you gain weight…and I’m retaining water….and I’m on my period…and ..and …and…Its not my fault..I have an overactive thyroid”. No love…you have an overactive knife and fork…MOVE ALONG!
The One that can’t be bothered
“So Barbara…how much are you going to commit to losing this week?”
“Im going to stay the same, I just can’t seem to lose any weight, I just can’t do it”. Eerrm…love you just spent £5 to sit down and say that…what are you even doing here? If you don’t want to lose weight then go home …via McDonalds.
Slimmer of the Week
Oh please….she lost 3 pounds…and she could do with losing another 3 stone…and thats just from her ankles.
This guy just wanted to turn everything into a joke….another tortured soul that thinks he should be doing stand-up…..but the joke was on him when he weighed in and put on two pounds…he wasn’t expecting that punchline…but we got the joke.
We left the group with details of the website and Facebook group…and if sitting for an hour wasn’t bad enough, the conversation continues on social media…with a plethora of people who were unable to make it…but furnished us with pictures of every meal they had eaten that week. Brigitte Nielsen (aka Delia Smith), had commented on every one…..’just put a bit of vinegar on it’.
Fuck My Life!
We’ll be back next week….purely for the comedy element.