37 lessons in 37 years

In my 37 (nearly 38) years on planet earth, I have learned some lessons that go some way to explaining the meaning of life.  Here is one for every year….they are very deep and meaningful.

  1. Pigs definitely do fly….and they always end up sitting next to me on the plane.
  2. Always check for toilet paper before your cheeks touch the rim.
  3. Don’t leave loose change where your husband can find it.
  4. Never trust a fart.
  5.  Don’t eat a hot curry the night before a long plane trip
  6. We spend one-seventh of our lives on Mondays, but we don’t need a Facebook reminder that it’s Monday tomorrow…we already know.
  7. If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener.
  8. Thinking about joining a gym is not the same thing as actually joining one.
  9.  Nothing is really worth fighting about…. not when you have a vicious tongue.
  10.  Stop worrying.  Worry does absolutely nothing productive.  The more you worry, the more you reinforce the problem or concern in your brain.
  11.  You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why the clocks go forward/back.
  12.  The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 10.
  14.  People who want to share their religious and political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  15. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.
  16.  If I’d conceived a child on my first attempt at sex, that child would be 21 this year
  17. Never play Twister with a full bladder.
  18. Almost anything can be fixed with a Steps song!
  19.  Some people only believe water is for drinking… the dirty smelly bastards.
  20. People with money will sometimes try and tell you what to do, but making daisy-chains costs nothing.
  21. Be very wary of people who use jargon, they are too stupid to use their own words.
  22. There are two types of people: those who work out and those who work.
  23. Hangovers will destroy you, and there is NO cure.
  24. Trust your own taste in music, movies and beer. Even though people will make fun of you for liking Steps… you still know how to ‘stomp’.
  25. ‘Those Crocs really suit you’….said nobody….. EVER!
  26. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  27. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try spending the night  with a mosquito.
  28. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by arseholes.
  29. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a complete twat.
  30. Life is tough; it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
  31.  If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really badly so you never have to do it again.
  32. There will be no interesting people in heaven.
  33. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  34.  Never lick a steak knife.
  35.  Taking a selfie with your starbucks cup is not cool.
  36.  Never open an email from a Nigerian Prince that wants to give you all his money.
  37. If you post a picture of your beach holiday every 5 minutes, it means you’re not having fun.

 

 

 

63 thoughts on “37 lessons in 37 years

      1. Just think how efficiency would go through the roof and work.would.get. done. if meetings were banned. Not to mention the cost benefits.

  1. Never play Twister on a full bladder deserves a MUCH higher level of prominence here, right? This feels like one of those Life Lessons that everybody should know.

  2. Strangely, I live #10. Once I stopped spinning doomsday scenarios in my head, I was able to finally relax.

    And your last one – I find this kinda sad. Not that it’s not true, but because it IS. We’re moving into a time when bragging should be considered the official national sport.

  3. #25… yes… I love my crocs which keep my heel pain free
    #29… acceptance is something we struggle with all our lives

  4. i still make a big deal about my birthday, with myself lol and I was 37 in January! oh my goodness no. 11 has always confused me ! ok so now its 9 oclock but we will just pretend it’s really 8 o cock for a bit until we decide its 9 o’clock again!

  5. The pigs really do fly one!!!!! BUAHAHAHAHA! Also, #15 is on point. I hate meetings. 100% of the time they can be emails. All of these are amazingly accurate!

Go on....Leave a Reply