Im not usually one to make new year’s resolutions and certainly not one to keep them, but by declaring to the world my intentions- my aim this year is to be held to account by those of you that read this.
It is official, after having purchased a set of scales, that I have grown into a sasquatch this year which has got me thinking that I need to make some changes. With a clear neglect of my beauty regime (you can’t polish a turd….but you can roll it in glitter), I conclude that I have 2 stone that I don’t want.
Here are my resolutions for 2017
- Lose weight– There is nothing more unattractive than a fat gay..its so uncouth so before I turn into Daffyd from Little Britain, Im going to eat less and move more. Last year I joined the dreaded ‘slimming world’ and attended 2 sessions, the reasons I never went back were that firstly, I followed the diet to the letter of the law and lost 3 pounds, whilst my husband ate biscuits, cakes and an abundance of treats and lost 5 pounds…clearly the hell I went through that week was completely unnecessary. Secondly I was surrounded by lifelong dieters that have been attending on and off for the last 25 years, so now see it as more of a social gathering than a weight-loss program – if the diet is that good- why are you still here? Lastly, I was stalked on Facebook by the lady that operates the weighing scales…. checking in with me on a daily basis like the ‘food police’ to see what I had eaten that day. (I’m not about to start posting photos of food – the last bastion of morality in social media circles). In 2017 I am going to eat healthier food and do loads more exercise but not be forced into calorie counting.
- Martial Arts– Im going to join a martial arts group, maybe Taekwondo or Jiu Jitsu. (Whichever outfit looks better). Exercising at the gym is boring and monotonous and is about as exciting as a Norwegian crossword puzzle. I want to join something that I can improve at over time and look forward to each week. (Plus I’ll be able to kick my neighbour in the head every time the jungle music pipes up.
- Take more Photos- Im a lazy photographer. We have had a lot of great moments in 2016 and as much as I am a ‘live in the moment, put your bloody phone down!’ type of guy, I must admit that there are many great times, I would love to have captured for the archives! So in homage to the ‘100 happy days’ sensation, I am going to have 365 happy days in 2017 and bore you all with the photos.
- Holiday– As many of you know, Turkey is my second home, but this year I want to try a new venue to don my budgie smugglers and sip cocktails until the early hours. -All ideas welcome. (Of course I don’t really wear budgie smugglers- a death sentence unless you are Tom Daly …who somehow manages to get away with it…the bastard).
- Socialise more– One of the downsides of being happily married is that all you want to do is stay at home, watch TV and get fat. So this year, with the option of getting fatter being outlawed , we need to do more of the things we love. So I shall be scouring the West End theatre guide shortly and warming the vocal cords for a few more karaoke sessions…I know, how very gay.
What are your new year’s resolutions? How will you make 2017 a year to remember?